As some of you may know from having read some of my previous posts this week, I was having a rough time with my anxiety and was making unhealthy choices that were in turn encouraging me to self-indulge in self-pity.
The details that led to my emotional reactions this week are unimportant, but the general gist is that something happened on Monday that I wasn’t going to have an answer or closure to until Friday.
So for those five days where I had to wait for an answer and essentially couldn’t really do anything, I was in a permanent state of anxiety.
While I was proactive last week and channelled my anxiety through going to some fitness class 4x in a week (which is a huge achievement for me), this week, I only completed one class. Every other night I basically came home and thought about the endless scenarios that could happen once Friday afternoon finally hit the clock.
There was nothing I could do before then, yet all I could do was worry about something that I had no control over. I kept biting my nails, my heart felt like it was constantly racing, I was having restless nights, I hardly drank any water, I didn’t eat until 3 PM on most days, and I put off basic wellness activities that make a huge difference to my health and self-confidence- such as brushing my teeth and hair.
All of this made me realise that a huge way anxiety manifests itself for me is through worrying about the future, and refusing to enjoy today. There are so many anxiety attacks I look back on thinking- why did I ever give so much thought and concern to that? Why did I waste all my energy? Why did I allow myself to get sucked in by my own mind’s bullshit.
I always say anxiety is not a choice but we choose how we manage it.
That’s obviously easier said than done, but I feel that as long as I keep reminding myself of this I can get myself back on track.
This week I ignored my anxiety and I let it control my actions and reactions. Friday has now passed and everything is okay, and even if it wasn’t I would have dealt with it on Friday- it was unnecessary to panic over uncertainty and caused my mind and body a lot of distress that I’m now needing to recover from this weekend- I burnt myself out.
Writing this is important for me because as much as I want to ignore how I treated myself this week, I need to be brutally honest with myself because it is no one else’s responsibility.
On the plus side, I’m off to a food festival today with my partner, and am going to do my best to live in today and think about tomorrow- tomorrow 🙂