Some of you may have read my post yesterday about catastrophizing– I shared this with you all during a very raw and emotional state where my mind had activated worst-case scenario mode. In that post I mentioned something that happened at work that I won’t be able to deal with until I’m back in the office on Monday. I struggled to accept that I couldn’t control the situation right away, but I also came to the terms with the fact that I may not enjoy the weekend due to my irrational anxiety over the future, and I was okay with that. We can only do our best, and sometimes our best can only be accepting what we’re feeling.
Well, I’m pleased to say that after writing yesterday’s post and sharing my fears with you all, I felt a huge sense of relief and it allowed me to focus on the present. For the past 30 hours (give or take), I have been living in the moment.
I have actually enjoyed my weekend. I haven’t done much, but I’ve felt present for all of it and surprisingly I feel at peace. I haven’t really gone out, other than going to a flat viewing with my boyfriend yesterday morning. Other than that I have mostly been watching television and eating junk food. Now, I know I’ve mentioned in the past that these actives tend to be reactionary manifestations of my anxiety. However, I have participated in these activities with wilful joy and acceptance. It has been a long time where I could just sit in front of the telly for hours without becoming restless and anxious, but I have felt present and that is wonderful. Same goes for eating junk food, to be honest my eating habits have been quite unhealthy over the past few weeks. I am cautious of it though and I am not giving myself a hard time, I know I need to reset myself, but I am not in the right headspace to reset myself at this moment- and I am okay with that.
While anxiety and its’ many demons may continue to dangle over me, they have done for many years (as far as I can remember). Because of that, I am very confident in differentiating between when my actions are a reaction to the anxiety versus when my actions are a choice I am making that I trust benefits my wellbeing in that very moment, in light of the anxiety.
If you have read some of my other posts, you may notice that a reoccurring sentiment I bring up is self-reflection, and how it ties in with my motto: anxiety is not a choice, but we choose how we manage it.
As long as I’m checking in with myself, and being honest with myself about how I’m feeling and why I’m making certain choices, I know I’m on the right track.
And while I may have gone down the rabbit hole of self-indulgence with my anxiety from Friday afternoon through Saturday morning, I am also all about celebrating the smallest of victories.
Not only have I had a completely lazy weekend which I have thoroughly enjoyed, but last night I stayed home by myself for hours while my boyfriend was out with his friends. It’s not that it bothers me, but a year ago I would have been home along anxious for hours waiting for him to come back and feeling guilty over constantly texting him. This is because catastrophizing for a me, last year, would have been always assuming that something terrible would happen to my boyfriend when we were apart.
Not last night though. I stayed home, watched my television series, and didn’t panic when I didn’t hear from my boyfriend for a few hours. I felt serene, and I’m giving myself a big pat on the back for that.
With all the emotional turmoil I was feeling when I woke up yesterday morning, I had convinced myself that I wouldn’t be able to find the strength to enjoy my days off work, but I did and I am- and that makes me so happy.
That’s not to say that I have forgotten about the trigger that started all of this. That is why the title of this blog posts mentions that the storm has passed but the anxiety remains at bay.
By that I mean that the crux of my anxiety can hit me at any moment, I can feel it lingering in my head, like an earthquake that’s already happened but I’m also aware that an aftershock might happen at any second. However, I’m not fearing the aftershock, I’m simply accepting that it’s a possibility and if it does happen, I will deal with it if it happens.