Once again it has been a while since I’ve touched base with myself and have self-reflected. This usually means I am not managing my anxiety, and instead it’s brewing inside of me like a mentos inside of a coke bottle. I am not handling my shit (pardon my french). I’ve said in the past sometimes we simply need to accept that we are not okay, and that we are not in good emotional places to get better all the time so we simply need to accept that we are doing our best in relation to our physical and mental state.
However, at this moment, I am writing to you from a place of frustration. I am so frustrated that I cannot manage my shit. I cannot even accept the way things are because it feels ridiculous that I am in this position to begin with.
To an outsider looking in, you may think that life is going pretty swell- I suppose I have high-functioning anxiety. However we know ourselves best, and let me tell you there is nothing highly functional about what I’m doing to myself. I’m eating like crap, I’m spending an absurd amount of superficial money, I’m overworking myself, I’m constantly overworking myself- my engine isn’t running out of battery, it’s already all gone!
I’ve gone into an auto-pilot mode of mind where this sort of behaviour seems acceptable to me because I’m managing to get by day by day and still succeed in my job.
What I’m about to say isn’t to brag, by the way, but to best evoke how I really feel about life right now:
I started a new job in January, since then I received my first pay rise within 6 months and now I have received my first promotion and will receive a pay rise within my first 10 months.
While at a time it was motivation that was running this drive and success, I can whole heartedly say it’s now stress. Stress to be the best, stress to prove that I can do no wrong, stress to be #1, stress to keep a job that I don’t even know that I want but I feel obliged. Some of you may or may not know, but I am an EU citizen living in London for over 6 years. Call it irrational (but let’s face it anxiety over uncertainty of one’s status to live somewhere they have called home is pretty rational)- ever since the Brexit news hit I feel petrified to lose my job. I am petrified that the home office won’t consider me a ‘good enough’ citizen to stay here.
So I have a job that’s providing me with financial security and that on paper looks fucking fantastic for my career but in my human body feels like it’s slowly sucking the life out of me.
I might change my mind tomorrow. Right now I have a migraine- so bad and so painful that I went home early from work (I decided that I wasn’t going to expense my health today). I know looking at a screen is counter productive but I am so frustrated and so not okay. I am too frustrated to sleep and this is my best release right now.
Maybe I have been in denial up until now- in denial of this frustration that today has popped open like an unwanted ‘celebratory ‘bottle of champagne.
I’m not saying I should quit this job, but maybe it’s time to really set my priorities straight. I want to excel at work but I’m not doing it for the right reasons, and that’s wearing on my body.
I also know I’m not okay because I haven’t been crying- that probably sounds contradictory but I find crying to be a healthy release of our emotions. I haven’t had a good cry in months. I always found that after a good cry, the storm would pass and the sun would come out a new day was ahead of me (metaphorically speaking). I have not properly cried in so long though that I have been living in a shit storm for quite some time, and I’m over it.
Today I am telling you that I’m not okay and I’m done being okay with not being okay.
Apologies for the rather bleak and uninspiring post, but I’ve promised you all to be real and at the moment I am struggling to find the optimism within me.