Do you ever feel like your hopes, dreams, and goals constantly contradict each other?
Due to my anxiety, I find it challenging to differentiate when my anxiety may be dictating my aspirations versus when it may be something I truly want, especially when it comes to my career choices.
I have had periods in my life where I have craved success. I’ve dreamed of becoming a journalist, a PR guru, a writer, an interior designer, or a kick-ass right-hand woman in a top-firm organisation. I have had periods in my life where I have had a very hectic schedule, with hardly any time for myself, and I felt like I thrived off all the constant state of time chaos…until I didn’t and I felt burn out.
This year, I feel like I’ve gone into the complete opposite state of mind. I want to work short hours, and have a job that I can leave at the office between the traditional ‘9-5’ office hour jobs. I’m currently temping across different industry sectors and administrative jobs, much of which I know are below my ability. However, I was enjoying this. It brings in the money, it provides stability in terms of me not needing to have a job that will stress me out, and yet I looked forward to the unpredictable aspect of temping as I don’t have to commit myself to anything and I don’t have time to overthink what I’m walking into as often I only get a few to a one-day notice.
Yet now, I am bored and I am once again craving the chaos that I felt burnt out from at the beginning of this year.
I suppose finding balance is key for me, and that is the real struggle.
Chaos isn’t wonderful for me because of my anxiety, and I need to be mindful of that. I need to look after myself and I can easily forget to do that.
Complete steadiness and lack of excitement isn’t good for me either, as I miss feeling passionate and it gives me too much time to think and ultimately go into inevitable over-thinking mode triggered by anxiety.
I have always been a motivated and ambitious individual, I feel the fire brew in me but often it feels like my anxiety can come in to dump a bucket of water over it…but it is innately part of who I am and the fire will start up again.
It is a vicious cycle, and while I accept that anxiety is part of who I am, there is no denying that there is a lot of irrationality surrounding it which creates emotions and desires can feel instinctively paradoxical of what I feel when I can separate myself from it. This is where I struggle to identify when my anxiety is making decisions for me, or when it’s what I really want, because I do wonder if sometimes what I want is just peace and stability and I’m convincing myself that I need an exciting job/schedule to be fulfilled.
I’m only 25, and I know there’s plenty of time to figure out what I want, but I’ve certainly started feeling like I don’t like where I am now…but that may change tomorrow.
Do you ever feel like your aspirations contradict themselves?